


The Heights Of Shame

by fictionalfaerie



Series: Could I Call This Place Home? [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, time travel and the headaches it causes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:27:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21719917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalfaerie/pseuds/fictionalfaerie
Summary: Diego doesn’t really understand time travel. It was confusing enough when it was just Five, and that seemed pretty cut and dry: Five came crashing back into their lives and slotted into a vacancy he'd left. No 'suddenly a different consciousness inhabiting this body' thing. Not like they're dealing with now. Diego can't help fixating on it.Where did these kids go?---Diego has a lot of feelings about how they came to be where they are and what that could potentially mean for the kids who used to be here.He also has a lot of feelings about Mom.The two sets of feelings were bound to collide at some point.---In which Mom finds out that her kids aren't the same as they were a few weeks ago.
Series: Could I Call This Place Home? [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1302440
Comments: 2
Kudos: 64





	The Heights Of Shame

**Author's Note:**

> I have so many half written pieces for UA in this 'verse.  
> This was easily my favorite and the piece eating at me most- however it was originally intended to be a "five times Diego let Mom think things were normal and one time he had to tell her the truth" thing, but I couldn't get those five times where I wanted them, so I got mad and adventured on to other pieces in other fandoms (that never even got posted, oop)... 
> 
> Rewatching UA the other day made me start fixating on this idea again and I finally decided to scrap the 'five times' and just focus on the two parts of it that I had and adored. 
> 
> Definitely makes more sense if you read "I Came To Break The Wall", but doesn't need "Waking Up In The Fog" to make sense. 
> 
> \---
> 
> Title from "Iron" by Woodkid.
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't think any warnings apply; if I'm incorrect, I am beyond sorry- please let me know and I'll remedy immediately.

Diego doesn’t really understand time travel. 

It was a confusing enough concept when it was just Five, and that one had seemed pretty cut and dry. First Five was there, then he wasn’t, and then he was back. Seemingly simple enough, even though Diego knew it was remarkably complex in actuality. After all, body of a thirteen year old with the mind of a fifty-eight year old, combined and trapped in the time when he should actually be twenty-nine… okay, maybe not really ‘seemingly simple’. But the important thing is that Five was there, then he wasn’t, then he was again. When Five crash landed at the funeral, he slotted nicely into a space where there had been a vacancy, however odd the circumstances were. 

No “suddenly a different consciousness inhabiting this body” thing. 

Not like they’re dealing with now. 

Diego can’t help fixating on it. 

Where did these kids go? Are they kids from a now altered timeline, given that there’s no way this happened in the timeline Diego and his siblings grew up in? Are they kids from an entirely different timeline, a different universe or dimension or whatever you want to call it? He doesn’t remember losing days-weeks-months of time as a teenager, so it stands to reason that it can’t be his actual past. Which means it’s… someone else’s past? So what happened to these kids? Where’d they go? Are they laying dormant, wondering why they’re prisoners in their own mind? Are they displaced, wondering how they landed somewhere else? Are they just… gone? And if they are, what happened to _their_ future selves? 

It’s enough to give him a headache and make him nauseous and work him into a right state of panic.

Probably the toughest part is that he can’t even talk about it with anyone. 

Whenever he brings it up to Ben-and-Klaus, Klaus gets that twitchy look that reminds him way too much of picking Klaus up at hospitals or rehab centers, which causes Ben to glare at him and makes him feel guilty for stressing Klaus out. He could probably talk to Ben about it alone, might even get some helpful answers given how Ben was always really smart and thoughtful, but Ben may as well be glued to Klaus. If they’re apart for too long, Ben gets that same coming-off-a-bad-trip look about him that Klaus carries with him, making Ben pretty much useless on his own. It’s frustrating, but after being constantly together for thirteen years, Diego figures he can understand how they’d develop a codependency. 

He doesn’t bring it up with Luther because that would mean talking to Luther. Talking to Luther inevitably devolves into fighting with Luther, and the playing field has evened out enough in these teenage bodies that Diego’s actually mildly worried that he might accidentally snap and kill him if they get into another brawl. Luther generally took him when they were younger and fought, and he definitely had the upper hand when he was rocking the gorilla bod… but he’s relied on brute strength so long and Diego’s spent years training and focusing on finding people’s weaknesses… he definitely thinks that he has a shot at taking Luther now. Not that he’s going to test it, and not that he’s even thought about it, because they aren’t going to fight, obviously. Because a dead Luther doesn’t help anything and would (eventually) (probably) (surely) just make Diego feel bad for killing him. It’s complicated, okay? 

Vanya’s still so fragile and guilt-stricken that he’s kind of worried that dropping something that heavy on her might just shatter her completely, especially since he’s fully aware of how guilty she already feels. Before the time-jump he probably wouldn’t have cared too much, but looking at Vanya-as-she-was makes his heart hurt a little bit. He’d probably been the closest to her after Five left, and he still wonders how it is that this happened, how the space between them grew so vast. 

Allison’s pretty useless if anyone brings up the lives they left behind, and there’s no way to broach the subject without doing so. Even a hint of the lives that they had been leading and boom. She just gets all teary eyed and struggles not to cry. He knows it’s because she’s thinking of Claire, thinking of the multitude of ways she’s lost her. It’s not like they can go back to where they were and it’s not like she had her there anymore anyway, not with her husband figuring the whole ‘using her powers on them’ thing out… and even if they ride things out here, he knows she can’t bring herself to make the same choices and end up with that guy again. After all, the whole point of bouncing back here is to make different choices, be better people, maybe find a way to stop Vanya from going apocalyptic somehow. Well, ‘somehow’- it’ll actually be pretty easy if the guilt weighing Vanya down is any sort of indicator… But, yeah. Anyway. Allison. Useless. 

Five just flat out refuses to discuss it. He hides behind an argument based on refusing to waste his time dumbing down science that he insists absolutely cannot be simplified, and they both know there’s no way Diego’s going to follow it otherwise. Hell, he probably wouldn’t follow the science of it even if it was dumbed down. He thinks, though, that it’s possible that even Five doesn’t really know the answers to this one. Five’s never had to think about the blurry grey lines and muddy ethics of assuming someone else’s life through time travel- after all, from their timeline he just disappeared and eventually reappeared, but even in the future it was a case of no-other-version-already-there. 

Five likes to pretend he’s some soulless bastard, but Diego’s not fooled by that. Thinking about where these kids- their younger selves, their siblings- went is a little too much to swallow, even for Five, he’s pretty sure. 

Regardless of where these kids went, Diego’s pretty glad they’re here. He wasn’t eager to die and it’s not like they had a lot of options in the moment. Sure, their childhood sucked hard, but at least this go around will be easier. After all, they’ve got the benefit of that 20-20 hindsight, and it’s easier to avoid landmines when you know where they are. Plus, no matter what his brothers and sisters might think, Diego’s got maturity on his side this time. 

So yeah, ‘together and safe and whole, despite the trashfire childhood’ is still leaps and bounds better than ‘dead as fuck thanks to a fiery apocalypse because his stupid brother locked their traumatized sister in a cell that couldn’t hold her and man oh man did that backfire’. 

Doesn’t make him feel less guilty about these kids, though. Doesn’t make him feel less responsible for whoever this Diego was or was going to be… probably snuffed out in an instant because he had the bad luck to be where Five’s power plopped them out. 

It’s especially overwhelming when he’s around Mom, though. 

It’s easy enough to lie to Pogo, and he’d given up any respect he maybe sort of had for Dad, even long before all of his dirty secrets got aired out after his death. But Mom… 

Mom’s got nothing to do with any of this mess. She’s always been a pawn in Dad’s stupid fucking games, just as much as they’ve been. Maybe more. 

It hurts lying to her. 

Letting her think Dad’s some good man and that her kids are fine and definitely not probably maybe dead, replaced with bitter burnt out adult versions that were too stubborn and scared to just accept the deaths that Hargreeves all but laid out for them. 

\---

The immediate aftermath of Klaus-and-the-Mausoleum is… a lot. 

He helps Ben clean up Klaus and waits with Klaus while Ben goes to threaten their siblings and their father or whatever it is he’s planning to do in his (totally understandable) protective rage, and then Diego takes his leave to go see what they’re going to do about… This. This whole fucking trainwreck that their lives have spiraled into. 

He finds his siblings all curled up in the living room, looking small and terrified and exhausted. Pogo and Hargreeves are nowhere to be found, but Mom’s there. She’s standing by the doorway, looking at the others, worried and confused and terrified all at once. 

“Someone needs to deal with her,” Five is saying to the others, careless and frustrated, waving a hand dismissively at Mom as Diego approaches.

“Don’t fucking talk about her like that,” Diego snaps, causing all of them to jump, including Mom. He catches her arm, running a hand along it soothingly, “Sorry, sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to startle you.” 

She latches onto his hand, calming a little, “Don’t worry about it, my darling. Are you all right?” 

He nods, letting himself slump against her side for a brief moment, “I am. Are you?” 

Five clears his throat before she can answer, interrupting to suggest, “Why don’t you go explain things to her?” 

When Diego glares at him, Five just rolls his eyes, “Someone needs to explain things to her and see how she’s going to take it. Is she going to be trying to reason away what Hargreeves has done- is doing-, or is she going to help us? She needs to be let in on everything, Diego. You’re the closest with her, therefore you’re more likely to handle the whole thing with care. Do you really want any of us having that conversation with her?” 

Diego glances around the room at his siblings. Luther looks like he’d be punching holes in the wall if he had the energy, the girls look like they’ve been crying on and off the whole time he’s been up with Klaus and Ben, and Five… well, they all know he’s not the best at handling things delicately. 

“Fine,” Diego snaps at Five before taking a deep breath, trying to calm himself down before turning to look at Mom. “Can we… can we go talk, Mom?” 

She nods, letting him lead her away from the others. Each step is harder than the last, his body feeling heavier and heavier under the weight of the things he’s about to tell her.

When they get to his bedroom, he sits her down on the bed and starts to pace, trying to figure out where to start. 

“Diego, darling,” she says, “What is going on? Are you and your siblings all right? What’s happening here?” 

Diego laughs roughly and presses a hand against his eyes, squeezing them shut as he opens his mouth and begins to talk. 

\---

Diego pulls a hand through his hair roughly, fingers ripping at the strands, tangling a bit. It’s not the violence he wants to explode into, but it helps. 

When he glances up at Mom, she looks so confused, expression distant as she processes everything he just told her. Everything he’s said about the future and their childhoods and the lies that they’ve caught Hargreeves in and about Vanya’s powers coming to rip the world apart. About Five harnessing some ridiculous energy and throwing them all through time and space and…

He clears his throat and breaks the silence that’s too heavy for him to deal with. “So. Yeah. Sorry I didn’t tell- that we didn’t. Tell you. Sooner. And I’m sorry about. Sorry about. Your kids… I guess. We should have. We should have told you. Sooner. I just, this has been so… and it’s just been really n-nice to pretend…” 

He has to trail off as he feels himself tensing, feels the stutter climbing his throat and stopping up the thick words, feels the weird of the past few weeksmonthsyearslifetimes pressing in on him. He clenches his teeth against the sobs and screams that want to break out. They’re sharp in his mouth; he imagines he can feel them slicing into his tongue. 

Mom makes a quiet, thoughtful noise. She tilts her head and studies him, eyes going from almost glazed over to sharp, focused right on him. He tries not to fidget, not to chew his lip ragged. Whatever she has to say, he deserves it. He knows that. He should’ve told her sooner. She doesn’t deserve the lies they’ve been serving up. She’s not like Hargreeves, she’s not---

She’s holding his hand. 

His brain fizzles offline as he looks at where his hand is clasped between hers. He hadn’t even realized he’d paced close enough for her to catch his hand. His breath hitches, those sobs threatening to let loose, swelling like a tidal wave. He can’t say anything, can’t risk that breaking free. Not right now. 

“Oh, my darling Diego,” Mom says, voice quiet and gentle, “I’m so sorry you’ve been having to deal with this.” 

He jerks lightly, looking away from their hands to meet her eyes. He can’t help the way he questions her. “That I’ve been dealing with…? Mom, no. Did you hear what I told you? I’m not your- I mean- I’m not. I’m not him, I’m not your Diego. I’m not your s-son, Mom. Not the right one, anyway.” 

She smiles sadly at him, letting go with one hand to reach up and swipe a tear that’s fought its way past his barriers. Her hand lingers on his cheek before returning to the other, sandwiching his between them gently. 

“My beautiful Diego. You have been and always will be my son. No matter the incarnation. The fact that you care so much, that you’re so worried about this? You may not be the Diego I’m used to, and I may not be the Mom you’ve always known, but you’re the Diego I’ve got now and I’m always, always going to be your mom. In every world that could possibly exist, you will still be my son.” 

He’s not sure how to describe the noise that bursts out of him. He surges forward, almost knocking her over as he throws his arms around her. She hugs him to her, unfazed by the sudden burst and unconcerned with the desperation he clings to her with. She just holds him, shifting so that he’s sitting beside her, clutched to her. Her fingers stroking through his hair, humming quiet assurances at him as he gives in and lets himself sob against his mother’s shoulder. 

Maybe things really will be better this time around.

**Author's Note:**

> Concept of "I'm sorry I'm not your kid" "You'll always be my kid" undoubtedly planted by "Play It Again" by metisket in the Teen Wolf fandom- one of my favorite TW fics.  
> If you like TW and haven't tried it, do yourself a favor and go read ASAP. 
> 
> Also, feel free to comment here/tweet (faerieishee)/Tumblr me (faerieishee/fictionalfaerie) UA prompties and let me ramble my way into more fic! There are still five Diego & Mom scenarios floating around half written, after all.


End file.
